


written confessions.

by neonlynx



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Denial of Feelings, Diary/Journal, Freeform, Heartache, Heartbreak, Lost Love, M/M, dreamnotfound, george sad ):, i have no idea what im doing, the characters not the rl people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28865691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonlynx/pseuds/neonlynx
Summary: in which george spills his feelings onto journal pages.the pages contain heart-ache and his denial of falling in lovewith his bestfriend; who happens to be falling for another.
Relationships: Dream & GeorgeNotFound, Dream & ItsFundy, Dream/GeorgeNotFound, Dream/ItsFundy
Kudos: 12





	1. June 9th, 2020.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So here's the first chapter of written confessions. Don't judge me, I have never written a fanfic before. Also, before we  
> get through with this, this is a disclaimer that this is NOT about the real life people. This is about their online personas.  
> Also another part;  
> if this somehow blows up, I don't want this being brought up to any CC's in anyway. Whether that is a tweet, a video, a dono, etc.  
> Thank you!

Hi Diary.

This is childish... Writing a diary, that is. 

Never in my life would I think I'd be doing this. I never believed in these silly things;

what were the point of them? I rather bottle my feelings up than risk it by writing them down for someone to potentially

find it. Here I am though, at the age of 23, writing some stupid page entries just to express my feelings now.

These feelings are different; I can't stop them. They overwhelm me a lot. Like a lot. More than I like to admit.

I know I'm in denial. I'm terrified of myself and who I am. But why?

Because of him.

He won't leave my mind, and it gives me headaches. I just want him to leave; for him to stop taking over all my dreams. My only escape.

I don't hate him. It's the exact opposite of that. I wish he would just leave my mind.

Every racing thought is him. Just him. My heart races.

My cheeks hurt from being flustered.

It hurts.

Why does everything hurt?

I want it to stop.

But I can't help it.

There's no knowing whether I want him or if I want to BE him. Maybe both.

Who wouldn't?

He's pretty.

He's humorous, that stupid Florida boy.

As I continue writing this. I just realized the more and more I needed it, but also how embarrassing it is. 

I'm sure I'll get over that bit. Not like anyone will see this anyway.

Goodbye.

-George


	2. June 17th, 2020.

_June 17th, 2020._

Hi diary, I've almost forgot about this thing; I knew I would eventually. 

but here I am once more, allowing my emotions to run free.

 _He_ came over and we talked for a bit

about the goods in life and what we aspired to be in the near future.

He wanted to leave the small village we were in. I agreed. A change would be nice for once.

My days are the same. Day after the day.

In that moment, as we talked, I felt as if I was floating, and in a warm embrace.

Everything started to hurt again. My chest begun to swell with deep dread and nervousness.

My heart ached and I kept looking away from him, down at the floor. I was scared.

But why?

It was just him. He had been my bestfriend for a while now. That idiot made it worse that moment by putting his arm around me.

I'm sure it was just a friendly gesture. Right?

Maybe if I keep addressing him by "dude" or "bro" nothing will seem suspicious.

Why do I hate him so much but at the same time don't?

I always see him hanging around another.

I can't remember his name. Nor do I care to.

Not that I'm jealous..

(I'm not jealous.)

I mean, ~~_Dream_~~ and my other good friend always hang out. I never feel this way when they hang out.

Why now is it I am? Why do I feel angry?

It's probably nothing.

I'll let go of it eventually. Soon. I know I will. I know the other is just a friend. He can have friends. Other friends that aren't me. I'm just being sensitive.

Right?


	3. June 22nd, 2020.

_June 22nd, 2020._

Hi Diary, once more.

Another day, another journal page.

More stupid feelings of mine that I am spilling about to myself, expressing it with messy handwriting on thin journal pages.

I've slowly come to acceptance with what my feelings are, but there are some I'm still unsure about. Uneasy about.

My good friend Sap helped out with this; we had a long talk about it after I told him earlier that day about how I was feeling. How I felt when I burned with

jealousy and how my blood seem to boil when _he_ was with another. 

My friend suggested maybe I was just jealous because ~~_Dream_~~ and I were close friends, and maybe I just felt like he was ignoring me.

I agreed with him but it didn't feel right.

I don't know if I would label it with just jealousy,

and I come to realize that.

Maybe it was much more than just that, but I am still confused and petrified.

Petrified of the unknown.

I just wanted to know what the unknown was, and I wanted to know now. Quickly.

My heart aches every more minute I have to deal with it.

It's like this guy has me under a trance. 

He has me mesmerized. 

Addicted.

Like a drug.

But how? And why? 

Why was he so addictive?

He was just my close friend.

I decided to take a walk today on the other hand, to clear my mind. I walked to the nearby river. It was pretty high this year around.

It was a nice walk.

It was refreshing, and the negative feelings seem to tone down.

It felt as if a non-existent weight was lifted off my back. 

It was if nothing ever happened; no feelings or anything.

No racing thoughts.

It was nice while it lasted. I took in the scenery around me as much as I could.

The trees looked fresh and green; the smell of fresh pine in the air mixed with the smell of petrichor. 

It had rained the night before, but just lightly.

It was needed.

I took everything in again, for awhile. I felt happiness rush through me. I felt free for the first time in a while.

Until I had to go back home.

After a while, the thoughts came back, but I didn't cave in.

I ignored them.

It was the best option for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so bad at describing scenery and stuff, so sorry ab that lol.  
> hope you guys enjoyed these three chapter so far, i had been working on them for a while now.  
> (:


	4. June 24th, 2020.

_June 24th, 2020._

Hi, diary.

The days felt as if they've been growing longer and longer.

More dreadful and more painful.

It's been hard for me; to process everything at once. All the emotions.

Those same _damn_ feelings, and I can't stop thinking about the other day.

I know these emotions weren't just purely jealousy. They were something MORE than that.

I really just want to know what they are; for them to just go away. They're like those haunting images you can never get out of your head.

Those anxious, racing thoughts.

I feel so stupid with those thoughts; I feel childish.

Maybe I'm worrying too much;

No, maybe I'm THINKING too much.

Overthinking. Yeah.

Sap suggested that aswell, and I also took that into consideration. I know that's what it is, but it really didn't help.

He also suggested I talked with ~~_Dream_~~ about my feelings. I just laughed and shook my head. 

Does he not know how embarrassing that would be?

What if _~~Dream~~_ thought I was being a jealous friend? What if he hated me for that because I'm being sensitive and childish?

But what if it's the total opposite of that? That's another possible outcome.

What if he reassured me? Maybe helped me figure out my feelings?

No.

I rather talk to someone else about them rather than embarrass myself. 

I know how I am. I would make a fool out of myself. 

Speaking of him, I saw him again today with the same friend. He was getting friendly. 

I'm sure that's just how he expresses his... friendliness?

I didn't see much except they were walking together, shoulder to shoulder.

I turned away before I could see anything else. Those same feelings were eating at me.

I felt nervous. My blood boiled again. My heart ached.

Thank god they didn't notice me.

How upset I was.

I took off home, where I belonged. Where I could sit there in the dark, trapped with my own feelings.

This time I acknowledged them.

Maybe I should more often.


	5. June 29th, 2020.

_June 29th, 2020._

Hi diary.

I'm back here again, once more.

Sucked once more into my feelings. Again; not surprising, huh?

This seems to be a daily routine for me now.

Well, almost daily.

I left this book alone for a while, thinking maybe if I somehow bottled my emotions up and left them inside of me they would go away or calm.

I don't know why I thought that; it was so stupid.

It made it worse somehow. This journal is starting to become a personal therapist for me. Someone to talk to. 

Someone to pour my emotions out to.

It feels nice. I didn't think it would help this much, but it did.

I still struggle with these internal feelings, but expressing them by writing them helps.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I really can't.

Every hour of the day. Every single minute.. Every second.

I can't eat my lunch anymore without his face running through my mind.

I lose my appetite for a second, before returning back to my food. I eat slowly with him on my mind the rest of the time.

I think it's making me lose my mind.

I've tried everything. Meditation. Thinking of something else. Listening to music.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing helps. All of my favorite songs are associated with him. My favorite books. 

Not to mention I saw him the other day with his friend again.

It was a lovely day out. I decided to go out once more. A big mistake.

I saw him again. The last person I wanted to see.

I looked like a deer in headlights.

I gawked, watched as they were together once again. Sitting on the grass together.

I stared more.

I didn't know what to think of it. Maybe they were just close friends hanging out.

Yeah. That's it.

But he's starting to hang out with him way much more than me now.

It hurts me. My heart aches. I find myself missing our deep conversations and our jokes.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Yeah.

That's it. It's just me.

I can't help but to feel jealous. And I don't know why.

Is there something else in me?

Is there a reason for feeling jealous?


	6. July 5th, 2020.

_July 5th, 2020._

Hello, diary.

These days have been much more calm. I feel more at ease.

It's like a random waves of peace rushed through me; and I took it.

My mind was clear. Refreshed.

These feelings went away, leaving me with myself.

And for once I wasn't scared anymore.

I felt like I could do anything in the world. I felt confidence swarm in me.

Until it didn't.

My mind started to race again. I was thinking too much again.

These thoughts came back at me. I couldn't escape them much more longer now.

They weren't those intense powerful thoughts I thought they'd be.

No, they were different this time.

I know the reason for this.

But I don't want to admit.

I'm scared of change.

Scared of my own mind, too.

As I laid there in bed, I let my mind wander free.

I zoned out and thought of my dream future. I was so happy, and free. A figure I couldn't remember who was by my side.

Their face was distorted. Blurred out. They didn't talk. I wondered who it was.

I slowly drifted off to sleep, letting myself sink into my bed.

A nice long sleep, full of weird, vivid dreams, but I can't remember what they were about, no matter how hard I try to remember.

They felt like a distant memory.

I woke up a few hours later, it was late evening.

My day went on; I did nothing too fun.

Just sat there on my couch, staring out the window and zoning out once more.

Until I realized...

I'm falling for my bestfriend.


	7. July 8th, 2020.

_July 8th, 2020._

Hi, diary. 

I'm still in denial of what I realized; but it came to me with no surprise.

I guess it made sense.

I just have to understand what to do next. Act on it?

No. I doubt _~~Dream~~_ even sees me that way. I would make it awkward and I do not want that.

Maybe I'll drop subtle hints. 

No. He'll pick up on those, as well.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should just go back to thinking I'm just a jealous friend. 

I hate it. Why is this so difficult?

Why are feelings so hard? Especially THESE feelings?

It feels different than having a crush in grade school. It feels.. different, in a way.

Having a crush sounds so childish, I just realized that. Why is it even called a "crush?"

I remember kids used to say it was because when you admit you like them, they crush your heart or feelings. I don't know.

Grade school was an interesting time for me. I got picked on for being colorblind. Well, there were others that were fascinated by my colorblindness.

It was annoying to have kids constantly ask you what color you see. They hold up a red apple.

"What color is this?" "What color is this?"

I don't know. I can't see it. Hence my colorblindness.

I felt so upset for being colorblind, but now I don't care as much.

Here I am getting distracted and writing about being colorblind.

The exact opposite direction of what I wanted to write about.

I guess me, Sap, and him are gonna hang out tomorrow. Sap thinks it would be a great "bonding" time.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Will I have to pack my stuff, change my name, and move to another place?

Probably not, but I'm sure not getting my hopes up.


	8. July 10th, 2020.

_July 10th, 2020._

Hello diary.

It is the next morning after the 9th that I write this.

As awaited, I hung out with Sap and ~~_Dream_~~ yesterday.

We hung out at Sap's place, and it was nothing crazy.

It was a casual hangout. We sat there and talked, getting caught up on everything.

I was quite most the time, listening to other two ramble on about everything.

They weren't really talking about much, just random stuff, like how they were doing and how their days were. What new stuff they have been doing.

Sap made me speak a bit. He knew I had something on my mind that was bothering in, but he knew I wouldn't budge about what was wrong.

That would wait for later. He knew a bit about what was wrong, but nothing new.

We sat and have a good time, eventually busting out a board game after a while. Monopoly. The game to ruin friendships.

I sucked at that game. Plus it got boring after a while. Sapnap was kicking our asses at it.

We were laughing about it after; Sapnap bragging about he was the "Monopoly Master."

I can't remember how many time I rolled my eyes.

We sat and chilled more for a while, all watching the sunset together.

 _ ~~Dream~~_ kept asking me questions.

Asked about how I was doing. Why I was so distant recently. Asked if I was okay.

How was I to answer those? I wasn't going to give him a direct answer. Not yet at least.

"I'm fine. I don't know, you have been distant aswell, I respect you have other friends too" was similar to something I said.

Sapnap chimed in and agreed with _~~Dream~~_ was being distant too. I think it was to make me seem less suspicious.

It made feel better in the slightest way. 

Nothing made me feel worse until _~~Dream~~_ said something that crushed me.


	9. July 11th, 2020.

_July 11th, 2020._

Hey, diary.

I never finished what I wrote yesterday, I got exhausted and fell asleep a minute after I wrote the last bit.

I haven't gotten a good sleep in a while. You can probably guess why.

To finish off last entry, _~~Dream~~_ told us, and I quote something like:

"Oh, yeah... Uh, well, I guess you can say I'm seeing someone."

I just stared at him for second and blinked. Denial. I think I went through the 7 stages of grief in a split second.

Just what he said alone made it awkward.

Sap noticed the awkward silence, thankfully, and made a weird face. This dumbass laughed and said 

"You have a girlfriend before ME?" 

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say.

"Oh come on now. Not yet, and not a girlfriend." ~~_Dream_~~ laughed. That was still etched into my mind.

Me and Sap exchanged looks, before Sapnap realized what he meant.

He laughed awkwardly and just nodded.

The rest of the day went by so slow and dreadful. I never been more excited to be alone for once.

Our friendship was changing and I could feel it, as much as it hurt me.

What was I to do now?

He's made it clear he's seeing someone. I don't have a chance. At all.

Not even if I tried in the slightest bit. I'm not gonna ruin anything.

I wouldn't.

I'm not that bad of a person. Not that bad of a friend too. 

I don't want him to despise me. I can't bare the thought of that.

I prefer to keep my feelings bottled up once more inside of me instead of potentially ruining our relationship.

I would have to survive through this, by myself.

I have to realize that he'll be happy with whoever he is, and I have to be happy for him.

I have a headache, and my heart aches.

Who knows how much longer I can just go on hiding my emotions, but I will do it for the sake of him.

Even if that means I get hurt in the way.


	10. July 13th, 2020.

_July 13th, 2020._

Hi diary.

I write this as it rains outside, the constant sound of raindrops hitting against the window. I watch as they slide down the window, reminding me of how I used to watch the rain run down the car window when I was smaller, watch two droplets to see which one would win.

It made me smile for a second, before reality hit me again.

The world was sad, as was I.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

Numb. Sad, but in a different way.

The way in which you lose someone you loved so much. I felt as I lost myself in the process. My feelings feel as if they were ripped of me, and thrown away.

I haven't talked to anyone ever since, despite their desperate communication.

I just don't walk to talk to anyone. 

I haven't been myself. I feel it in me. I don't have the strength. I don't feel like hanging out and laughing with my friends. I don't feel like sleeping. Strange for me- I always find myself sleeping in and missing plans I have with friends. Sleep scares me. My dreams haunt me.

I have stood up for 12 hours now, sometimes finding myself slowly dozing off.

I let myself, for a while. 

It was an on and off thing. And I enjoyed it, until someone decided it would be a great idea to start banging on my door like a madman.

It was Sapnap.

He refused to leave until I opened.

So I did.

He was checking up on me. Asked me if I was fine. Forced me to eat something. He kept lecturing me about "self-care" but I kept zoning out. I was tired. 

I guess I had fallen asleep, because I woke up to an empty house. Sapnap was gone.

I remember being dazed and confused, not knowing what time or day it was. I went into a panic mode until I realized it was only a few hours later.

I sat up and stared out the window before grabbing my coat from the coat hanger. I close my eyes before heading off into the rain.

I had someone to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup chat-  
> sorry for not updating recently, I've been busy with school and all that fun jazz. ill be updating more soon, hopefully.


	11. July 14th, 2020.

_July 14th, 2020._

Hi, diary.

Yesterday was a weird day. It felt like an unpleasant fever dream.

The exact moment I left my house at the time of exactly 10:45 AM was the day I would learn to regret. 

I went off walking to ~~Dream's~~ house, hoping I would find him there.

I ignored anyone who noticed me out walking and tried to say hi. I was determined to get there.

I felt confident.

That was until I actually reached his front door.

Adrenaline rushed through me and fear hit me. 

I raised my fist to knock, feeling myself be hit with a wave of emotions all at once. 

I forced myself to knock, before stepping back and staring at the door. 

A voice in the back of my head was hoping the door wouldn't open. The voice hoped ~~Dream~~ wasn't home.

But he was.

There he was. He stood there and was delighted to see me. 

"We need to talk." I had told him that exact moment, watching his facial expression turn to a more melancholy tone.

He knew I was serious aswell. He knew I wasn't joking. I wasn't much of a serious person.

He agreed and invited me in. The house was empty.

As soon as we sat down, I started to spill my feelings on him. All those ones that were bringing me down and keeping me anxious.

He was quiet after. He just nodded to everything I said. What the hell was he going to say?

The worst that could happen is he could kick me out, straight up ignore me, and never be friends with me again. That was my worst fear.

I couldn't even bring myself to wrap that thought around my head.

We sat there awkwardly after I was done; you could feel the awkward tension and I hated it.

I watched his leg bounce up and down. I could tell he was beginning to become fidgety and nervous. He did that often.

"Oh."

Oh? That's all he says?

"I didn't even realize you liked me that way." I remember him saying right after. He refused to look at me.

He looked like he was holding something back, but didn't want to say. Something was up with him.

What was I to say back?

He spoke up once more.

"..Maybe you should leave, George." He spoke. I remember how pained he sounded.

I wanted to resist but I closed my mouth instantly.

I left quickly. 

Maybe it was the best decision.

But what did he mean by that?


	12. July 16th, 2020.

_July 16th, 2020._

Hi again, diary.

It's been two days since I've told Dream everything. 

He already knows, there's not use in trying to scribble out his name every single damn time. I'm done.

I haven't been doing anything recently, just accepting everything, slowly. Even as much as I don't want to.

I guess Bad found out what happened, and it had him very concerned. He was like that; a kind and caring soul. Cared for everyone. Everything.

He hated when his friends fought. It was the worst to him. He would try everything to make it better.

He came to my home yesterday.

I was cautious about even letting anyone in, but eventually I caved and let him come in after he convinced me to open the door.

Me and him sat in silence for a while, before he started to ask about what happened. I didn't feel like talking. But I did, for the sake of Bad. I couldn't bare seeing Bad sad.

That's the thing; no one would dare to make Bad sad. They'd feel so dreadful to see such an upset person like him. It was heart-breaking. 

Not to mention Skeppy would give you a piece of his mind. He would take a grudge against you until you actually apologized and meant it.

I gave Bad a summary of the situation and he kind of just nodded.

I don't think he knew what to do.

"I- have you tried talking to him anymore after that?" He had told me, I told him no, and that I didn't care to.

"You guys were bestfriends, I'm sure he doesn't hate you." 

I didn't believe him. I genuinely believed Dream hated me now.

He kept on going on about us and how he believed something like that could just break out strong bond.

I didn't know what to feel or think anymore at that point. We kind of just talked for a while more, and I guess he made me feel a little better. He said he would talk to Dream.

I sort of resisted against that but he ignored me anyway. He would do it anyway, I knew him.

He told me he would come back and tell me everything Dream said.

I really wish he wouldn't. I feel as if it would just make me feel worse.

I don't even want to think about Dream.

I hate him.

And I didn't want to.

I despise him. It hurts me.

My heart aches and I never wanted to destroy our friendship like this.

I shouldn't have done this.

Why do I still *?*

[The Ink seems to be smudged.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, i was going through writer's block trying to write it.  
> im also thinking about doing a karlnap fanfic, maybe a harry potter au? it would be fun. or even a band au.


End file.
